What do I do? What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I just wish I knew the answer, I wish I knew what to do. I keep pushing him away and he keeps coming back. He said all I had to do was look him in the eye and tell him I don’t love him, and I tried, but the words got stuck. I can’t lie, I can’t tell him I don’t love him when he knows the truth and everyone around me knows the truth. There's only so many times I can push him away before he finally has enough and gives up.

He keeps trying to tell me that what happened wasn't my fault, but it was, I know it was, if it wasn't then she wouldn’t be so mad at me. He keeps telling me to stop punishing myself and beating myself up over this, but that's easy for him to say, he didn’t just lose one of his best friends over this.

I know everything happens for a reason, but I can’t see a reason for this. It shouldn’t have happened, I know that. I knew it at the time, but I was kind of powerless to stop it. I messed up, I know I messed up but I have been trying to put it right. I can’t undo what happened, I really wish I could. I can’t make her not hurt now, but I am trying to make things easier. I know she feels like I betrayed her, I feel that too. With every marc of every day I hurt because of this, because of the betrayal she feels.

People keep telling me that I should follow my heart, but how can I follow my heart when it's torn? He said I'm just punishing myself, and yeah that maybe true, but what else am I supposed to do?

Everyone has a good hiding place. A place they go to when they need to think. A place where they can be alone. I have a few places like that. I haven’t decided which my favourite is yet. Where I am now is OK, but I'm not sure how often people come here.

All my friends seem to be happy right now. E and T are getting bonded; I can’t believe it happened so quickly. But I am happy for them, they are so happy together. I think it's sweet. But I think they are up to something. I keep finding them huddled up together whispering, and they stop when they see me. It worries me, but I know it's nothing bad. They are both too sweet to be plotting anything bad. I'm sure one of them will crack soon and tell me, until then I will be watching them closely.

It’s funny how quickly things can change. One minute things are OK and the next everything comes crashing down around you. I never thought it could end like this. Everything she said was true. I can’t even begin to explain what I'm feeling now. I know it was stupid, and I know she has every right to be angry. I should never have let it happen, I should have stopped it before it started, and I should have seen it coming. Maybe I was blind to was going on, I didn’t expect it and then in an instant it was all over. I know he's hurt, all three of us are, it never should have been like this. I don’t know what I can do to make it better; I don’t know what to say to take their pain away. I don’t know what to say to him, anything I say to him will hurt her more, so I find myself avoiding him. I can’t stand to see the pain in their eyes, knowing that this was mostly my fault. I lost one of my best friends and it hurts, and I just wish I knew what to say to make it right.

I thought about going away for a few days, just head up to the mountains and try to work out what I'm going to do. But I can’t hide forever; I have to face this sooner or later. But how can I try to deal with this when it feels like my heart has been ripped out. If I'm this hurt, I know it's nothing to how hurt she is. I don’t know what to say to her. How do I find the words to use when sorry just isn’t good enough? There is nothing I can say, because there are no words that could make it better, and there is nothing I can do to make me forgive myself.

I know he's hurting too and I don’t know how to take his pain away either. We made each other happy, but our happiness hurt her. I know I can’t avoid him forever, I just don’t know what to say to him right now. I know it's not going to change anything, the damage has been done. Not being with him isn’t going to change how she feels, and being with him won’t make me hurt any less. This is one of those no win situations, it doesn’t matter what I do now; it's going to be wrong. But I can’t do nothing, because this isn’t going to go away.

Did I do the right thing? When it came down to it, the decision was taken out of my hands. I didn’t want to hurt either of them, neither of them deserved that. But what's done is done; we can’t change what happened, or how it happened. We can’t take it back; we can’t make it not happen. The only thing I can do is try to deal with this as best as I can. I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know if this is going to work out great or if it will all fall apart. But there's only one way to find out, I need to close my eyes and take a leap of faith. This is where it starts; it is time to take that first step.

We had a long chat tonight, we found somewhere quiet where we could be alone, and we just talked. I was honest with how I felt, about how I was scared. I held a lot back, like I always do, why do I always feel the need to hide a lot of things? I don’t know what's going happen, but I know things will never be the same again. At least I'm not on my own to deal with this, I have good friends by my side pushing me in the right direction. I say pushing me, I mean, they made me see sense. I have the greatest friends in the world.

Talking of great friends, E and T are getting on so well, I think it's sweet seeing them together, I hope it all works out well for them. They deserve the happiness they bring each other. They are both really special people, and I love seeing them so happy.

I think G finally caught up with F, I'm so glad she did, she has been nonstop talking about him since she last saw him, maybe now she will be able to talk about something else. I think they make a sweet couple. It's always great when the people I care about hook up with someone who makes them happy.

I think it's over, I don’t see that we really have much choice. He is so sweet, and for a moment there I thought I could be happy with him, really happy, happier than I have ever been in my life. But I know now that it can never be. All I know is, I wanted to be with him, and he said he wanted to be with me. I don’t want to hurt him, but by being with him, I'm hurting her and I never wanted to hurt her. I know she feels betrayed and I know she's mad; she has every right t be mad. I tried talking to her; I just don’t know what else I can say.

I talked to him earlier, it was hard, I was going to tell him that it probably wasn't a good idea for us to see each other, but it didn’t come out, I couldn’t get the words out. As soon as I saw him, I melted and all I could think about was him. I told him that I didn’t know which was going to hurt more, hurting her, or not being with him. He said all I had to do was tell him to walk away, but how can I do that? I don’t want to hurt him either; this is too much of a mess. What am I supposed to do? Either way, I get hurt, and now I have to decide which one them I'm going to hurt. This is too hard, and I don’t want to do it. I know some people will say that I am just pushing him away because I'm scared of getting hurt again, and yeah, that maybe a little bit true, but the risk would be worth taking if I wasn't going to lose a good friend over this. Though I think it may be too late, I think I may have already lost her. I never meant for any of this to happen.

I think I'm dreaming, I keep expecting to wake up any moment and realise it was all just a dream. I can feel the wall coming down. I don’t know how this happened, and I don’t know how it happened so fast. One minute we were talking and the next . . . . he kissed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He kissed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have known him for a while, but we have always been friends, just hanging out and having a laugh. But tonight was different, we were different. I think I'm falling in love with him. But there's a problem, isn’t there always? I want to be with him, I have never felt so sure of anything in my life, and he wants to be with me. But by being together we risk hurting a really good friend. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt her, she has been a great friend and I never want her get hurt. This is so messed up, how can it feel so right, but wrong at the same time? I know I need to talk to her, and I’ll admit, I'm a little bit scared. Why can nothing ever be simple?

When I'm with him, I just feel so . . . I don’t know, relaxed, at ease like I've known him forever, and it just feels so right when I'm around him. He makes me laugh. I have never felt like this before.

Wow, I can’t believe what happened. It started off as normal day, just like any other. I was in my favourite training place, the same place I have been for so long now. I was a little surprised, when halfway through a fight a little bird came looking for me with a message. It was from someone . . . well it was from . . . I’ll just say that it was from someone I didn’t expect to hear from.

Anyway, we were chatting for a while and we got onto the subject of Quests. I told him about the next Quest I was going to do after I visit the trainer again. I already tried doing this Quest and it was too hard. He told me I can do it now, and thinking about it, I know he's right, I have always gone after the Quests before I can really do them. But I guess the ants have turned me soft. So I was about to head to the mine again to try for the Gauntlets when he told me to meet him at Midnight Beach, he wanted to take me on the Quest there. Now I know in the past I have done some pretty crazy things, but I don’t think any of them were as crazy as this. I knew it was a bad idea, there was no way I was ready for it. I didn’t say anything; I just went along with it, knowing that it could kill me as soon as it looked at me. I just have to add here that the creatures on N’rolav Midnight Beach have to be the ugliest I have seen so far. Well anyway we made it to the vile horror and I don’t know how I did it, but somehow I killed it. I was shocked. I ruined my staff doing it, which means I can’t give it away now. So I now have a new pair of boots, which I can’t wear for a long time but at least I don’t have to worry about getting them now.

I guess he proved his point, I'm not sure if he was trying to make a point or not, but one was made. I gave up too easy on the last Quest and I could have done it. He pushed me into getting those boots and he wouldn’t let me give up, even though I thought I couldn’t do it. If I can do that then I know I can do the other one.

Somewhere along the way I lost who I was, I lost my determination, my drive; I lost sight of where I was going. I let them destroy me; I gave up trying to fight, because you can’t fight against these people. I forgot that this is my life and they have no right doing what they did to me. All I can say is, one day they will try to destroy the wrong person, I just hope it happens before someone else gets hurt.

A lot has happened over the last few days. Most of it I don’t feel like I can write about, there are some people who will read this and take it all the wrong way, and I've seen what happens when they do. So why bother? There are a select few who know what I'm thinking; I mean what I'm really thinking. And I know what they think about it, but they know how I feel about the way things are going in the lands. There is one person I should talk to, I should tell her what I'm thinking and why I feel the way I do, but I don’t know how. She has her own stuff to deal with right now.

I got a message from T, he said that he and G had been talking about me and wants to know everything. I'm torn; part of me wants to tell him the truth, the whole truth. But the other part of me can’t do it, because I don’t want to see him get hurt.

I saw S today, he always makes me laugh. I told him what I was thinking. He said that he had been thinking the same and it was only because of me . . . he is so sweet; I really miss him when he's not around.

I talked to someone else the other day, he made me smile with what he said, and told me to try it. I tried it and it didn’t work, I don’t know why I even thought it would.